what's the word

Priorities. Priority. Prior.

2012-01-25T17:00:00.006-06:00

School. Work. School .Work.

Am I supposed to make time for love and relationships?

It was CNY Eve and I'm driving the family out to the temples in Dallas.. my dad says unexpectedly, "You know you won't get anywhere with a boyfriend right now. Your boyfriend isn't going to pay for your tuition. He's not going to give you A's."

I thought and thought. and thought. and thought.

The busier I am. I less time I have. Obviously.

"No shit, Sherlock, you are a fucking genius!" my thoughts are drowning in negativity.

If I have one light. One candle. That shines in darkness should I follow it in desperation? Or is it hopeless?

The only thing I want to do now, is focus in school and work. Work and study really hard now so I can have foundation.

I don't know.

I'm so confused.

Priorities - school and work.

Priority - What moves me forward.

Prior - The past. .

With confusion,

Stephanie

Happy Lunar New Year!

2012-01-23T17:27:00.000-06:00

Roar! It's the year of the Dragon :)

As per tradition, we're not supposed to throw anything away today because no one wants to throw away their wealth.

Unfortunately for me I didn't remember this early enough, or maybe put too much thought on it. This morning I shaved my legs and washed the leg hairs down the drain :( :( probably as well as my wealth/luck. Soon after coming back from lunch, my Mercedes got the shit scraped out of it by a careless Chinese lady backing out of the lot.

Now now now, it is a New Year.. and I shouldn't say anything bad to ruin my karma but are you fucking kidding me?! I parked closer to the damn side curb than to her car. >=O what the fuck was that lady smoking? Honestly.

I have to go home later tonight, wash my car and get it estimated on tomorrow by my dad's friend.

Other than this ridiculous incident, my day's slowly coming to an end as I work till closing. Tonight I'm going to eat CNY dinner with the family, do some yoga and finish up Shutter Island with the boyfriend.

I hope everyone has a wonderful wonderful week (: and not only for this week but for the weeks to come. 2012 should be a wonderful year!

With love,

Stephanie

Fool, stfu. Please.

2012-01-23T11:07:00.000-06:00

Over the past few months, I've developed nothing but immense dislike for people who do not have strong work ethics.

If you join a project, you join knowing full well how many tasks you have to do.
Do not join a project with others who are motivated to make magical things happen, if all you're going to do is ride off everyone's hard work.
Team projects are TEAM projects for a reason - they require multiple people to pitch in and make things happen because it's a BIG FUCKING PROJECT. So if you don't do your part - we're going to fall behind.
Don't talk smack about other people on the team when you've done NOTHING. Absolutely nothing!

Now I can say I've been very patient with people lately, however when it comes down to things - I really really dislike the ones who do not do their part of the work. Then I ESPECIALLY dislike the ones who don't do their work but go around with their heads up everyone's asses like we're supposed to listen to them.

You're a fucking n word, NAGGER. A fucking nagger. Get the fuck off everyone's cases and do your own shit.

It is unprofessional and irresponsible when I send out reminders to everyone to prepare for a speech, and you have the fucking balls to approach me and say you're going to "improvise." Well fucking thanks, for improvising, you didn't even give them the appropriate information. Thanks a fucking lot.

What has this person done to rile me up so much? I'll dissect the situation:

When no one has done any work over the summer, this person has the nuts to ask me, "So what is this on your list of priorities?" ALRIGHT 1- I'm the one who emailed everyone asking what we're doing over the summer, NOT YOU. 2- I am the one who took it upon myself to make fliers, tshirt designs, handouts, and even work on the website layout. I even started up my video marketing campaign, which thanks you, got fucked up in the announcements. So who the fuck are YOU to ask ME what is this project on my list of priorities? What the fuck have YOU done?
This person did nothing all summer besides give me 20 revisions every time I sent out designs to be approved. Every single fucking time - "change this, change that.. blabhalbha I can talk smack but I can't do it, cause I don't have photoshop." =_=
They've found ZERO speakers. ZERO sponsors. ZERO everything. Come the fucking on, like they always brag about how they've been on this project for so many years.. if you've been on so long you have experience. GET YOUR TASKS DONE.
Unprofessional in so many ways. We had a carwash to raise funds... I drove an hour out to help.. brought my goddamn hose, soap, and a bucket. Then stayed there past the time we were supposed to leave because they had a goddamn friend who was coming late AFTER the carwash was over.. AFTER everyone had already started cleaning up. I got fucking heat stroke, thanks a lot, asshole.. and for what? An extra $20?! I could've given you $20 SHIT.
They talked shit about another team member.. "x is holding us behind." Honestly... EVERYONE NOT DOING ANYTHING is holding us behind. You've done nothing yourself, so you are holding us behind. At least X has gotten us out together doing a charity for a good cause. What have you done?

In order to take lead, you have to be able to do your own tasks.. finish what you start. Be an example for the rest of us, so we can find inspiration from you. But you've been nothing inspirational to me.. you're just another person who talks the talk but can't walk the walk.

Shut the fuck up, and get a fucking reality check.

I'm tired of your fucking bullshit and dumb act, this project is due in 2 months, GET IT TOGETHER, or get the fuck out.

I'm obviously really frustrated at the moment because of all the work I've taken on to do.. and all of the work people pile onto me even after they know how much work I'm doing... and then how much they ruin not just MY hard work.. but the team's hard work. Urgh.

You can think I'm vile and crude all you want, but I have fucking strong work ethics. I take initiative and get my tasks done.

Alright, I'm out,

Stephanie

Secret Santa Bullshit

2012-01-10T13:51:00.002-06:00

In the spirit of Christmas and New Year holiday bullshit, I decided to hold off on writing a slight passionate rant about Secret Santa ordeals.

As everyone else already knows, if you know me, I absolutely hate holidays. This hate started growing inside of me when my parents decided "one present" was good enough. Of course there'd be hate for this holiday if I'm only receiving one present! All of my other friends were receiving loads of presents.

Let me get something clear, my family is not poor in any way. We're really well off, but my parents are Asian and therefore "money smart." I gotta say this characteristic has rubbed off on me later on in the years, and now I'm really stingy with my money as well.

Back onto the point - I absolutely hate gift givings and such, and up until recently I've never enjoyed participated in Secret Santa get togethers. One of the worse Secret Santas I participated in was in high school when this brilliant literature teacher of mine decided to do "white elephant." Now for those who don't know what "White Elephant" is, it's absolute bullshit. One by one, everyone goes up to the center to get a gift, then the next person can either take a gift from someone that's already picked or pick out a gift from the center.

Keep in mind, no one gets to open their present until everyone's gone around to "switch gifts." or some shit like that.

I unfortunately had my gifts taken away from me twice, lol.. for whatever reason. Maybe it was the fact that I was still with that lame ex boyfriend of mine.. who knows. I ended up with an alright present of some Lord of the Rings book.. not even the whole series. It wasn't even the first book! I hadn't even touched this series before, besides watching the trilogy.. certainly reading the series midway incomplete wasn't going to do it justice.. and I wouldn't be able to pick up on what was going on or fully appreciate it.

Or would I?

Who knows, the book is somewhere on my bookshelf gathering dust.

Since then I've participated in Secret Santa maybe.. 3 more times? Two with friends and one with an online community.

The first one with my high school friends was alright. I apologized to my Secret Santa and told her that I was leaving for Las Vegas so I'd bring her something amazing back from there. She in return gave me a cute Christmasy shirt from Abercrombie.

The latter, I participated with some college friends, surprisingly girlfriends. (As everyone knows, I absolutely dislike girls as friends. Maybe girls as colleagues... or workers.. bleghh still blegh.) We sent each other lists of what we wanted for Christmas, so we wouldn't give each other something we didn't need/like/want. I stated that I wanted a wallet clutch or wristlet. And boy, did I get a wristlet.. that piece of crap looked like it was used, abused, ran over with a tractor.. I mean, yeah, it was a wristlet, but damn. What a piece of crap.

The night went on to seeing my other friends switch presents around, and I realized something. I have completely different tastes than them. While I wanted high quality presents, they were fine with giving whatever. I even went out of the way to pick up the correct fragrance lotion my SS asked for and not just some lame cheap lotion.

Bah.. people.

Now I'll just sit patiently for my current Secret Santa to send me whatever present they thought I'd appreciate. But with the deadline to send out the gift at 12/7 and it's now a month mature.. I think I'm probably not going to get anything.

Which brings me to my final point - Why sign up for something if you aren't going to do it on time? If everyone else can send out gifts on time, why can't you? Did you think signing up for this event would make the community love you more? Were you preparing to bask in the rays of love and appreciation? Glory maybe?

While your selfish ass ruins my Christmas break, I won't let it ruin others.. at least I sent mine out before the deadline and my lucky partner got theirs before Christmas.

Happy holidays, my loves - do not let Christmas or New Years be the dates that you set goals and resolutions or give out gifts to loved ones - that should be done spontaneously. A surprise is better than something expected.

Or in my case - an expected disappointment.

With love,
Stephanie

I'M WRITING IN ALL CAPS - do you take me seriously now?

2012-01-04T11:16:00.001-06:00

I did write a blog similar to this on tumblr a few weeks back - so if you've read that you can skip this. Or rather feel my wrath once more on this personalized blog.

I do not like people who write in all caps.

It annoys me.

It makes my head throb.

It reveals their stupidity to me and the rest of the crowd.

I'M WRITING IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE MY POINT IS NOT STRONG ENOUGH WITHOUT THE CAPS.

When you write papers for classes and there's a point to be made do you write in call caps?

Is the conversation too slow for you that you have to shove your point down my throat by writing in all caps?

If your point carries validity with strong reasoning points to back it up, there is no need to write in all caps. Your goal is to entrance.. make the reader drunk with your writing and have them convinced by the end that you know what you're talking about.

again, writing in all caps does not persuade me that you know what you're talking about - it actually shows how stupid you are.

That's rather sad if you ask me.

People who don't know what they're talking about have to write in all caps. If you cannot change someone's state of mind on a matter maybe it's because you're not good at persuasion.. or maybe they're really too stubborn to accept it.

If it's the latter, drop the subject and move on.

If it's the first, do more research.

I do not like people who write in all caps - or have to all caps the parts that they find important.

With love,
Stephanie

It's another new year ~ 2012 treat me well

2012-01-03T17:06:00.002-06:00

Another new year - another chapter that ends gracefully.

2011 what has thou brought me?

Heartache, knowledge, lessons, love, gratitude, and maturity?

My love for competitive Tetris has dimmed down a lot. I feel like the fun and immature aspect of me have been squeezed out of my soul and replaced it with an old lady who just works and spends time with the boyfriend all the time.

2011 taught me that I am very capable. Beyond capable. I can do a lot of good quality work in a short amount of time.

I love and love to be loved.

This year has only stapled my dislike in girls even more - there are only a few girls I can tolerate being around. The ones that understand me for who I am - won't start drama with me - or talk to me about drama. Girls that have a great appreciation for delicious foods as I do.

I absolutely hate lazy people and terrible writers.

Lazy people hold everyone back and make tasks longer to finish.

Terrible writers give me headaches with the absolute bullshit they call "thoughts." Their thoughts must be a mush - maybe from too much smoking.

Bad drivers still boil my blood but my anger has been dealt with really well lately - probably because I'm in loveeeee. :3

Anyways - I haven't been blogging much at all lately.. I say it's all in this amazing relationship I'm in.

Broken

2011-12-16T21:39:00.001-06:00

4 years ago I found myself enthralled by a man's presence. His existence made my legs weak and heart race. I would've done anything and everything for him.

I thought it was love.

The relation we had was nothing more than he was my wine and I was the alcoholic.

He was cute. Different. Cunning.

Living in my broken home of overworked workaholic parents - more like guardians - more like guards - more like power hungry controlling dictators had me starving for attention, love, and fondness.

I was drunk off his attention. Addicted to the "love." Overdosed on fantasy.

The world felt like it was finally in tune with me and I thought I'd found that one true love. One true man. One. Love.

Horribly mistaken through immaturity and desperation I soon found myself again single, lonely, pained, and broken. I tried to fill in that void of emptiness with insignificant guys who couldn't see me as anything more than pretty face.

They had no brains. No future. No rawness.

When I run into my first exboyfriend again, all I feel is anger and hatred. I can't even look at him in the face. It's been 4 years and although I know I didn't mess it up a part of me wishes I could've been better.

Better for me. Not him.

This is something that's weighed down me down for four years - I felt like broken goods.. I couldn't bring
myself to trust or even open up to another person. But hopefully coming to admit this tomorrow I hope to wake up to a sun lit room and brighter thoughts.

With love,
Stephanie

Is it any of your business?

2011-12-16T21:25:00.002-06:00

Nowadays with social media like Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, Youtube.. and whatever other blogs (jk, blogspot and xanga) exist - people feel the need to squeeze their existence into other people's lives.

Just because you are a "friend" of mine on Facebook or a "follower" on Twitter/Tumblr does not mean you know what's going on in my life. So forgive my French, or not I don't care, but if you don't talk to me on a daily basis you need to fuck out of my life.

People feel the need to scrutinize other people's relationships -- celebrities, friends, people who they don't even know but only get one side of the story? Alright alright, some people get two sides? But come on, unless you're in the actual situation yourself what gives you the right to even say anything?

Your opinion is nothing more than retarded whining - like a lame dog scratching on the owner's door begging for attention. Sad part is, they're not your owner.

Actually - sad part is - that person's relationship does not even affect you yet you feel obliged enough to give your own opinion. Sorry, no one asked for your opinion.

I'm beginning to master the art of "ignoring." lol before I'd make a smartass comeback whenever someone annoyed me, but I never found the satisfaction in doing so. Plus that person probably thrived off my annoyance which is pretty sad. They're so unhappy with their life that they have to make others miserable in order to be happy.

It's not sad,

it's pathetic.

This is my awful spill of thoughts onto this blog for now because my mind's a blur.

Blur.

With love,
Stephanie

Welcome back, Stephanie!

2011-12-16T21:13:00.000-06:00

Why hello there! Are you surprised to find me back in my comfort zone with cookie and milk by my hands? I'm ready to reveal to everyone what I've been up to.

A quick decision I made back in the summer was to take a break from school and open up my own business. It was less of a $ decision and more to gain work experience. I'm not entirely sure that I have my office up and running well enough for me to go back to school in the Spring.. but hopefully in the next week or so I can make the decision.

I really do want to go back to school and finish up undergrad and head out to law school. Really do. Deep down, I'm a huge nerd. Well, I guess not that deep down inside.. since I did grow up in a really strict environment, all I know how to do is study and work. This has forevermore framed my personality and ethics as a whole.

Often I feel as though I'm a grown up stuck in a kid's body because I know much more than most people my age.. but then I feel like a kid in every other area - partying, going out, having fun.. I'm so strict on myself I've forgotten what it's like to have fun.

Next year I want to focus more on social outings - getting to know more people, learning how to be more sociable... friendly.. outgoing? I already feel outgoing with my group of friends but when I'm in a new situation I shut down and don't let others get to know me.

I also want to save up for traveling - I would've really loved to visit Canada this year, but I've been busy with work and family.. didn't have time off for myself and David. I also want to visit Socal and San Fran because a lot of my friends live there. :/ It's sad that I live in Texas yet a lot of people I know are elsewhere. I want to experience, learn, and grow.

Anyways, that's what I've been doing lately.. just working a lot. Getting my licensing done.. with continuing credit.. my mom says I should get all of my CE done before January that way if I do go back to school I can focus solely on that. :)

My mom always knows what's best.

- Stephanie

APAEC7

2011-11-14T13:34:00.001-06:00

There are only a few times in our lifetime where we actually slave our asses off for a big pay off. Few times compared to the many days and hours we have our whole life time.
For me APAEC7 was one of those moments.
A lot of friends told me to quit because it brought out the devil in me. I was often found in an extremely bad mood concentrating on deadlines, details, decisions and such. I would ungracefully take my anger and frustration out on friends and family.
I am not a quiter.
I wanted to leave a mark at my school, be an influential person.. and find that inner passion that I'd lost. Even though I stayed up late nights, took on a lot of work, swore at my computer screen and even contemplated chucking my laptop out of the window.. everything paid off.
You only live life once and I wanted to be an inspirator. I wanted students to attend this conference and go home thinking to themselves, "It's not too late to make a difference."
To make a difference.
What have I learned from APAEC7?

I'm really anal retentive - to me if something's not perfect, do it over again. If you finish something early - look for things that could use improvement. You may think you can get away with throwing shit together last minute with me -- yeah no. If I don't like it and you don't want to fix it - I'll do it myself. and I will make it 4000000x better than what you had.
Asking questions never hurts you - unless the question is stupid.. then I might kick your ass. :] I always sent out emails to the advisor and other board members for advice on things I didn't know how to do. While other people never asked questions.. and really dragged our project down.
Take initiative when others won't - I actually regret not taking initiative earlier. I'm a passive person when placed in a new environment. It takes me a few days or even weeks to feel comfortable enough to speak up. But time is valuable - next time I won't wait. I am proud of myself for taking initiative on creating the website, finding speakers, and promoting APAEC7.
Communication is the KEY to working well with other people. Everyone is different. You should not expect others to have your mindset or have the ability to read your mind. Instead of assuming - ask questions to make sure everyone is on the same page as you.
I am a grammar Nazi. I was in charge of EVERYTHING on the APAEC website - so everything there I edited myself. Whenever people emailed me things to do, I always caught myself trying to rephrase sentences and gasping at grammatical errors. If the verbs aren't parallel - FIXED. If the sentence was a run-on that shit was fixed so fast. I'd always mumble to myself, "Wow, our educational system.. has failed us all."
Acknowledge reality. I've had a few big failures with t-shirt designs for APAEC7, which left me lost and miserable. I'd make a design and always get 50 revisions back or someone would tell me they wouldn't like it. In the end, I had to just pat myself on the back and acknowledge my design just wasn't great. However, with the failure of my tshirt design I was even more motivated to succeed in other areas.
If you work hard enough - it all pays out in the end.

All of that frustration I'd endured throughout the past 6 months felt really well worth it at the end of the conference. I went around recording attendees asking them if they enjoyed themselves and would come back next year.. and they all said yes. Hopefully they weren't lying to me because I'd worked so hard on everything.. I don't think they did. haha
A lot of attendees were inspired from the workshops that they'd attended, which warmed my heart and just made everything feel so worth it.
Maybe I'm a masochist.
jk
To APAEC7♥

time to buckle down, seriously.

2011-09-14T14:10:00.000-05:00

SIGH my very important licensing exam is on Friday, so I'm buckling down.

:( GUHHH

I get angry easily

2011-09-10T16:22:00.000-05:00

This is a no brainer.

I say things when I'm angry.

I lose control.

Sometimes it's a pain in the ass.. but think about it.. if you don't mess up I won't get mad.

If we weren't friends, I would not get mad.

Just think about that.

People these days need to learn some manners.

2011-09-06T20:41:00.003-05:00

People these days.

-sigh-

Honestly, I don't know what fucking kool-aid everyone's drinking, but some people need to learn some goddamn manners.

Now, I know.. being an American and having manners does not go hand in hand. But who gives a fuck? Are you going to let what society says is right to dictate your life and allow yourself to act like a fool?

I hope not, but if you said yes to that, please throw yourself off a cliff and into some shallow waters because people like you honestly are a waste of space.

Go ahead and rage.

Now I take yoga classes every week, whenever I feel good enough - I usually take around 3 classes a week and I really love it. I don't know if I love the people who are in the classes with me.. well for the most part I tolerate their existence because they don't do anything to annoy me.

But today, oh snap, today I swear things were going to blow up.

Perhaps I am overreacting.. perhaps I shouldn't get so annoyed and pissed off.. but it does get me riled up.

I came into class early with the sole purpose of setting my mat up and giving myself time to lift some weights, cause I want to tone my arms down. I leave for maybe 5-10 minutes, come back and my mat, bags and towel that I'd set up ever so neatly in the front of class was moved to the back.

Honestly.

What.

The.

Flying.

FUCK?!

Now this made me really mad because I'd held the door open for one of the other yoga attendees to come into the gym. I fucking held the door open, my mat was fucking out. He saw that I was going to the yoga class. I came in and the guy was right behind me.. he no doubt saw me set my stuff up.. and no doubt knew I was going to come back to sit in that fucking spot.

No doubt.

No doubt?

Why no doubt?

Because EVERY SINGLE FUCKING PERSON IN THE CLASS DOES THAT AS WELL.

Everyone else comes in all dressed up from work, sets up to save their spot, go do whatever and come back.

So how the fuck was that any different from what I'd done? And why the fuck did no one say anything to whoever the fucking beach whale moved my shit?

Honestly.

Anyways.

-Takes a deep breathe-

My point is - people these days have no fucking manners.. no fucking common courtesy.. and they really need to watch their fucking step cause next time if I walk back into that room and shit like that happens again I'll fucking cut someone.

Namaste

Love you all,
Stephanie

=)

The stupid and the envious

2011-09-03T19:41:00.003-05:00

In my experience, those who do not like you fall into two categories, the stupid and the envious. The stupid will like you in five years’ time, the envious never. - Earl Rochester - The Libertine

Old best friend

2011-09-03T01:21:00.003-05:00

I have vivid memories of my old best friend and who he used to be... Yeah, my best friend was a guy.

We'd known each other since 2nd grade and did not instantly click. We were.. literally the old couple that fought all the time and were really mean to one another. That's just how little kids are, right?

Eventually we got along.. started talking all the time, hung out all the time during recess.. we went to the same temple because we were both Buddhists. It was an interesting relationship. Then I left for another school, with new kids in my grade... meaner kids at that.. new environment.. and I missed him. In grade 5, we were reunited because he transferred over and we're once again best friends. From then till up to college - we'd always gone to the same schools.

He was the first person I held hands with, hugged, trusted, thought of.. he was really my everything. Whenever one of us was sick and not in school, the other would call to check up. When I was finally able to use AIM, he was the first person I had on my buddylist. He was also the first person I had blocked on my list at some point. First person who I felt betrayed me.. first person to break my trust.. first person to make me upset enough to cry out of frustration and anger.

We started off as strangers.. then basically siblings living off each others' presence.. and now we're strangers again. Because we couldn't get past our differences. Because we changed. Because we realized that we had to grow separately.

It's really sad, I sometimes wonder how he's doing.. and if he ever misses me.

If I'd taken the initiative to talk to him again after we fought, would we still be friends? I don't know...

These are just wisps of memories I miss.. I have the present that I love.. and the future I look forward to.
Whether or not we'll be reunited in the future is really up to both of us.. and if we're willing to overlook what had happened in the past.

lalalala

That's all ~

:)

- Stephanie

this is ME.

2011-09-02T14:03:00.001-05:00

Dreams. Ambitions. Goals.

Goals.

I am not a deadbeat college student who doesn't draft out what her post college life will be like. I look at other people and ask myself, "Would you, Stephanie, like to end up like that person? Successful? Happy? Satisfied to know that what you're doing is changing the community."

Who is this person?
That person used to be Michelle Kwan, when I was a figure skater.
That person was Lang Lang when I was still passionate about piano.
That person was Al Gore when I loved politics.
Who is that person now?
Now I look up to my dad, because he is a strong person. He came here from Vietnam with nothing, and created a stable business to support his family.

I have goals, ambitions,.. dreams... I WANT TO BECOME SUCCESSFUL.

Success to me is not defined by how much money you make.

My parents have plenty of money, we live comfortably. But are my parents happy? They're workaholics. Not that I have anything against that.. because they're workaholics we live comfortably. But I'd rather work, make money... and BE HAPPY. I want all of that. How am I supposed to get that? By going to school, making good marks, making connections, and never straying from this path of success that I've drawn out for myself.

I know what I am doing.

Do you?

I make mistakes. I am human. I make mistakes. I am human.
I AM HUMAN. Who is anyone to look down on another person for making mistakes?

There is a difference though - I know where I need to grow.. and I strive strongly and passionately towards the changes I want to be made. I am passionate about not turning into the person YOU are.

This is why when I'm given any sort of task I put 200% of myself into it. My work is my blood, my all. Insult my work, and you've insulted me. Please, if you can do better, show me. Prove to me that you are better. If you can't, get the fuck out because you are insignificant and a waste of my time.

I'm currently working on a lot of things at the moment - studying for insurance licensing exams and helping put a conference together. I will put my blood into that work. It will be different. It will be great. I will leave a mark.

- Love, Stephanie

"Why don't you find someone perfect for you, instead of molding someone into something they arent?"

2011-08-23T02:45:00.000-05:00

Such an odd question to ask someone

What is perfect?

And how would you define someone that is perfect?

Surely when someone goes into a new relationship, they aren't thinking, "This person is perfect for me." Or maybe they do.. and then come to realization that the person is not what they had expected.

If so, does the person break off the relationship with their significant other because of disappointment? Or do they try to make better of the situation at hand?

Perfection.

To me, there is nothing as perfect. If it's perfect - it is boring - it is dead - it has lost my interest. Hm.. well then I suppose perfection does exist, but does not interest me a tiny bit.

A boyfriend is just like a friend to me. And a friend to me is someone who will change and adapt. There is no such thing as a perfect friend, no such thing as a perfect boyfriend.. no such thing as a perfect relationship. There are GOOD and BAD relationships yes. But no such thing as a perfect relationship. Maybe if I use my definition.. that relationship is dead.. therefore it does not move forward or backward.. does not change.. and is therefore.. perfect..?

If you've come to the point in your life where your relationships are "perfect" well I feel bad for you. Life must be boring for you.

My friends are not perfect. My boyfriend is not perfect. I am not perfect. What sort of silly thinking is it to want to find someone that's "perfect" for you? Everybody is different. I feel like I'd die before finding someone "perfect" for me. I do not believe in perfection... so I suppose this is true. We have different personalities, behaviours. And to you, I am molding my boyfriend. But to me, my boyfriend and I are growing together and changing one another.

Is that wrong?

My mind is a mess right now. I'm really irritated. And lately I haven't been able to sleep.. because it feels as though.. I thought I knew someone and now they are not the person I had imagined them to be.

While they all point out my "flaws" and shit.. I wonder if they ever look at themselves..

Anyways this is my late night vomit, ciao.

Loving life,
Stephanie

Sometimes

2011-08-17T21:11:00.000-05:00

I feel like a piece of meat on sale.
You honestly don't know how shitty I feel at the end of the day, when the boyfriend's so indifferent about everything.

Indifference.

Yeah? That'd be fucking nice if it were over something that didn't matter to me.

My head hurts. I haven't been eating well lately. I'm stressed out over things at home. I don't know.
fuck this. I just want to sit at my piano and play until someone notices how sad I am.

Fucking sad. Fucking disappointed. Fucking irritated.

Just everything.

I feel like I'm spiraling down into a dimension of bullshit.

I hate this feeling.

Love the Good People Around You

2011-08-09T18:55:00.004-05:00

This morning I woke up just thinking about how badly I have it in life.

"Badly."

Honestly, I look back on this and kind of throw up at the thought that I take everything in life so lightly. I really never thought I did.. but I do.

I thought that because

I'm really sheltered and my parents are really strict towards me my life sucks.
My boyfriend is thousands of miles away from me life really sucks
That having people constantly talk about me because they think they know me.. makes my life suck
Having to constantly work out because I have a huge appetite sucks

When in reality

I have it great because

my parents love and care about me enough to be strict and give me rules to try to keep me on the good path in life
even though my boyfriend is thousands of miles away from me we work really hard to keep everything working - through talking and spending a lot of time together
people talk about me because they're curious about my life - because I'm interesting. I can allow them to talk about me all they want and just ignore it and not let it get to me.
I'm able to work out and eat a lot .. because I'm healthy.

What made me come to this realization?

I got a call from my dad saying that one of my close uncles was diagnosed with lung cancer.. and they don't know how much longer he has to live.

This guy.. just had a baby.. and his wife doesn't work. I'm here fucking around and bitching about about how life sucks when other people are dropping sick and unsure about how long they have to live.

My other cousin was also diagnosed with Leukemia a few months ago.. and he's only 8.

Sometimes it takes big things like these.. to remind you how lucky you have it and to LOVE the good people you have around you.. because you never know when they're not going to be there again.

This, however, does not mean I will take just anyone back into my life.. no. I still stand by the philosophy that a good friend is someone who will always be honest with you. Even when it hurts. Even if it makes you dislike them for a bit. A good friend will hurt you in the short run so you don't hurt in the long run.

Anyways, I'm so grateful.. and blessed to have everyone in my life that is good to me. For those who understand me for who I am.. and stick through the rough patches with me. I know I'm hard to stand at times because I am hot tempered and stubborn.. but I really do love you all.

- Love, Stephanie

Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky

2011-08-09T12:09:00.002-05:00

I remember purchasing this book at a Borders Bookstore that was liquidating everything. Derrick had gone with me because we are bargain shoppers and wanted to stock up on more novels. Since I'm a history major, the thing I do most during the semester is read. All we history majors do is read, read, and read some more.. then when tests come up we write essays till our wrists fall off. hah. So I wanted something different to read over the summer. :(
I'm sad to admit though, I have not touched any of the books I've bought for the summer.. instead I've been busy watching movies/documentaries/shows, studying for my summer courses, and spending a lot of time with the boyfriend.
Last weekend, I opened my desk drawers to find all of these books I had bought and a pang of guilt hit me.. why did I spend all of my money on these books if I wasn't going to open them? So I have a few more weeks of summer before my semester starts and I plan on finishing as many as possible. :)
The first book on the hit list is Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky.
The first page was a biography about Dostoevsky.. and it was.. very interesting.. I decided to write it out for everyone to read.

Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky's life was as dark and dramatic as the great novels he wrote. He was born in Moscow in 1821, the son of a former army surgeon whose drunken brutality led his own serfs to murder him by pouring vodka down his throat until he strangled. A short first novel, Poor Folk (1846), brought him instant success, but his writing career was cut short by his arrest for alleged subversion against Tsar Nicholas I in 1849. In prison he was given the "silent treatment" for eight months (guards even wore velvet-soled boots) before he was led in front of a firing squad. Dressed in a death shroud, he faced an open grave and awaited his execution, when, suddenly, an order arrived commuting his sentence. He then spent four years at hard labor in a Siberian prison, where he began to suffer from epilepsy, and he only returned to St. Petersburg a full ten years after he had left in chains.
His prison experiences coupled with his conversion to a conservative and profoundly religious philosophy formed the basis for his great novels. But it was his fortuitous marriage to Anna Snitkina, following a period of utter destitution brought about his compulsive gambling, that gave Dostoevsky the emotional stability to complete Crime and Punishment(1866), The Idiot (1868-69), The Possessed (1871-72), and The Brothers Karamazov (1879-80). When Dostoevsky died in 1881, he left a legacy of masterworks that influenced the great thinkers and writers of the Western world and immortalized him as a giant among writers of world literature.

Wow, I cannot wait to finish this novel. :)

Oh hello August

2011-08-01T16:15:00.001-05:00

I'm not a people pleaser.

2011-07-25T22:16:00.000-05:00

I woke up today uninspired to write.. but with churning thoughts in my mind now, inspiration has barged in, unwelcomed.

A friend of mine told me that I'm one of the nicest people that she's ever met. I don't know if I'm nice, because I've said mean things before. I know for one that I'm kind, patient and extremely forgiving. These three traits are my strongest traits of me.. and ultimately my greatest downfall.

Perhaps you have taken the extreme liking in me.. and maybe taken advantage of my gracious personality. But let me put this forward once and for all

If you cannot appreciate me, for what I am and what I give
If you scoff at my relationship
If you think you can walk all over me, because I am nice and I do not say anything

If you do any one of those things to annoy me and irk me in the wrong manner, please, walk yourself out of my life before I tear you apart. My patience only runs for so long, and, to simply put this, I have more than enough friends that I can diminish your sort of "significance" in my life to "insignificance" to where I will not miss you.

To question or criticize my choices in life, is to say your choices in life are perfect and everyone else is filled with flaws, when you are the one with the most flaws of us all. I will most definitely, and happily, take advice and suggestions. But in the end, I make my own fucking choices. If that does not make you happy, get the fuck out because I just do not give a fuck enough to take your bickering - process it and turn it into an action. If you want to be a little bitch about small ordeals, or if I do not meet up to your expectations, perhaps you should find a better suited friend who will meet up to them. Perhaps exceed them.

My life does not revolve around you and your philosophical ways.

To put this is layman's terms - if you cannot be a friend, if you cannot take that mask off your face and be a real friend, you are nothing to me.

Not loving you,

Stephanie

Reminder, Stephanie, blog more!

2011-07-24T09:22:00.001-05:00

Dreams

2011-07-23T09:28:00.002-05:00

My dreams are so vivid I often wake up remembering them.
lalala
And then some of them come true.
I always remember my dreams.

I've started a dream log. This should be interesting.

Here’s to you

2011-07-19T22:17:00.002-05:00

here’s to me loving you
for who you are
here’s to us
here’s to the new year – to growth, changes, improvements, tears, and grand memories.

Love, Stephanie

Where's your voice?

2011-07-19T00:10:00.000-05:00

WHERE IS IT?

If my child got plastic surgery, I'd be mad.

2011-07-11T20:30:00.001-05:00

Are my looks not good enough for you? Why do you want to please other people and what they think is beautiful? Why can you not accept yourself for who you are and how beautiful you are?
Someone might find you ugly. They can say all they want, but they are not looking at you properly because honestly asking, what makes an ugly person? Can you answer this question? Give me specifics if you can, please.

People who call others ugly, usually do not find their personalities appealing.. If you think about it, someone with a nice personality and exceptional looks will be more beautiful. Not because they are extremely good looking but because they have a good personality. And people like them more. Someone who might not be as good looking and has a good personality .. they will be liked and people will not call them ugly.

Plus, beauty is subjective. How many people find the same people who you think are beautiful? The same exact list. I do not believe in the Golden 1/3 Rule or whatever.. that most plastic surgeons say is how a beautiful face is .. proportioned. Don't you understand that this is more bullshit they feed the insecure so they'll have more to fix about themselves? I don't understand why people want to look like one another. You're beautiful because you look different. Not because you look like Angelina Jolie. Angelina Jolie is beautiful because she doesn't look like another person.

So when someone tells me, "I find person F ugly." I say to them, "Someone else thinks they're beautiful. So whatever."

Sigh.

If my child got plastic surgery, I'd be mad. Disown that child. Please, if you cannot appreciate what I have to give you.. if you don't want to be a miniature me go ahead and do your shit. But do not come to my funeral. And when you give birth, your child will look like you pre-plastic surgery. Are you going to tell them to get plastic surgery because their looks do not please you?

Think about it,
Stephanie

Honestly

2011-07-10T00:50:00.000-05:00

throwing up all night long is not an activity I enjoy doing. I'd much rather be sleeping.. or spending more time with someone I care for.

I'm laying in bed hoping that my stomach content is now void and isn't able to go up anymore. Honestly. Honestly. HONESTLY. It is tiresome to deal with vomiting.. urghas;dlfja;sdf.

A friend of mine wrote: "Nothing is something."

I'll be honest, since this entry is titled Honestly, my head almost exploded.

How can nothing be something? Nothing is nothing.

She tells me,

"Nothing is a word. It is a number, an idea, an action.
And all those things are still something.

So is nothing still something, or is it really nothing?"

David's response to that,

"the word/idea that represents the concept of “nothing” is indeed something

but the concept that it it is attempting to explain is nothing"

Nothing - defined
- Word - Not anything.
- Numbers - Nothing is 0. 0 is nothing. Nothing.
- Idea - Nothing -..????
- Action - the action of nothing is doing nothing..

Each definition = NO THING. So how can it be SOME part of a thing if it has NO part of anything?

I wonder if this makes sense.. or if I'm just confusing myself.
Nah, I do not feel confused. Maybe a little bit sick here and there.. a little peeved that I have no one to converse with at the moment. Oh... no, I do have people to talk to.. I just want to be alone.. or I want to talk to ONE specific person.

Your philosophical bullshit does not make you look good. This is why NO ONE commented on your post, except myself. Cause fucking seriously, NOTHING IS NOTHING.

This post really reminds me of that time when I replied to one of David's weird comments.. he's a weird guy and therefore says a lot of shocking things.

Me: You're really something.
David: Oh.. what if I wasn't something?
Me: Then you'd be nothing.
David: hah .. oh....

I do not see how nothing can be something. It just doesn't click in my brain. Someone explain this to me.. try to sway my mind and blow it into pieces.

Loving life,
Stephanie

Where is the appeal?

2011-07-06T22:48:00.000-05:00

I miss the long nights of drilling things over on blockbox and enjoying myself.. just playing because I wanted to play. I'm through with this immature shit of gaming with drama. urgh like.. It's taken so much of my joy out of it.... really.

I want to play Tetris. Not a tournament. Not a league. No more fucking bullshit. I'm playing for myself.

We want what we can't have

2011-06-27T20:09:00.001-05:00

Isn't it odd that the people you wish you could keep in touch with never keep in touch with you? But then the people who you don't really care for.. or sometimes wish would leave you alone area always there to poke and prod you?

I love having reminders of how awful of a person I am.

There are certain people in my life I would love love love to keep in touch with.. because they intrigue me. Their personalities are so fun to poke and learn about.. I just want them there. But they always move on and stop talking to me.. or find me annoying to be around. Then I say, "Yeah well, they're missing out on what an awesome person I am."

No, truth is, I miss having them around. Once that communication and spark is lost, it's easy to look back on the good times and see how the relationship "was not that good." But not every relationship is perfect.. there are the good and bad things in everything and everyone. So why do we sit here and simmer in the negativity and remember all of the bad?

Actually that's not even what I do. I just sit there and fondle all of the good memories. I have a terrible tendency to glorify people I miss. It's not that I don't know.. I do .. but I don't see why just because I'm not talking to someone I should put a negative veil over them and make them seem terrible.

Of course.. Unless they were awful towards me.

Hm...

Why do you we want what we can't have and not want what we can have?
Probably because what we cannot attain that "attainable." Although.. if it were.. attainable.. We wouldn't be wanting it.. Hmm....

Anyways I should really appreciate the friends I have around me at the moment, and stop pondering the could've, would've, should'ves.. cause there's a reason why they're not in my life anymore.

Making good progress in moving myself forward from last night.

Loving...?
Stephanie

Life

2011-06-26T22:18:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure what to think of some things at moments.. my mind is currently hustling and I feel mindfucked with all of these thoughts racing back and forth.. recollecting and reorganizing them is not doing any good. I need to sit down and just type everything out.

If you are unhappy with your life are you supposed to drop everything and just start over? Starting over is a possibility.. it is something that many people do. They drop their group of friends and just make new friends. I've done this several times. One of the reasons why I've transferred universities is because I wanted a fresh start and meet different people.

But when your schedule is too demanding and all you want is happiness what is there to do? We are all on a quest seeking happiness and hopefully when our time is up we have already found that sought happiness. What happens when the clock stops ticking and happiness has yet to be found.. what then? I don't feel happy with myself if I know I've started over so many times. I do not feel happy with myself if I feel like I have not put in my all in something and I'm just giving up. Why do I have to stop and start over again when there are others who have achieved their goals in one goal? Is it because I'm inferior and the goal I have in mind is not part of my fate? Is there such a thing as fate?

Why am I unhappy?

I'm currently thinking over and over again what I've done with my life.. My presence has been here for 21 years and have I made any difference? The people I talk to are they worth my time? Do they have any positive influences on me at the moment? Is my relationship with them worth it? The activities I put myself in.. will they help push me forward in life? Will this relationship be good for me or ultimately be my downfall?

This wave of unhappiness and reality has hit me so hard today that I don't know what to do anymore. I really want to wear my defeatist attitude and just run away from everything. Starting over is basically running away from reality no?

But I do not want to be labeled a coward. Urgas;df;alskdjf;lkajsf

I need to have a hobby.. a real hobby. And get away from everything.

Loving...?
Stephanie

It's all about PUNCTUALITY!

2011-06-22T11:35:00.000-05:00

Nothing gets me riled up more than making arrangements with friends and then being the only person there on time.. waiting for everyone else to show up

LATE.

Come on, if you're going to make plans with me, show up on time. I have other things to do other than wait on you.

Time's money, everything I do is set to a schedule, when you show up late my entire day is messed up.

urghasdlfja;lsdjkf; I cannot even explain my rage.

Happy Father's Day~

2011-06-19T19:35:00.000-05:00

I could remember the night clearly, my dad and I had gotten in a heated verbal battle. Who was winning? No one. No one wins when neither party listens to each other. No matter how many times I say I hate my dad . and how much he annoys the fuck out of me, I still love him.

Like a very special boyfriend told me, "Family is important.. never lose that." Out of our crappy relationship, that was the one and only good thing I learned from it. Thanks GaHyun.

It's too bad it takes a Hallmark Holiday for people to stop and think about the other parent raised them and brought them into this world. That's just unfortunate.. but I guess a day is better than no day at all.

I'd like to thank my dad for always supporting me, even when I'm being a spoiled brat. I know I have a lot to prove, and change is happening.. and I'm working hard to make you proud. :)

Love, Stephanie.

I've vomited anger today here.

2011-06-15T16:04:00.001-05:00

What am I?

I am what you made me! I lived the life that you preached... but never dared practice. I am everything, that you were too afraid to be.

Spectators

2011-06-15T15:26:00.001-05:00

act like they're too good for whatever is currently going on.

Nah, you guys aren't TOO good.

How are you guys TOO good if you're commenting on what's going on?

Once you've interjected your comment, you've admitted your interest.

You're just too stupid to realize it.

That's alright, I'm here to inform you.

If you aren't interested then do not say anything at all.

If you're too good for what's going on, just don't comment.

That's not too hard now is it?

Idiots.

Le sigh

2011-06-08T19:40:00.003-05:00

days go by and I kind of miss you. D: URGGHHH WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??!?!!?!?!?!

"Don't look back in the past."

2011-06-07T12:35:00.001-05:00

Sadly, this is easier said than done

All of these memories that I've repressed into limbo, I reopened them yesterday by mistake. Since I've had them repressed for so long I'd forgotten what it used to be like.
To be disliked.
To be scoffed at.
To be made fun of.
To be unknown.

Because of my past and what I'd experienced, I've come to be a much friendlier person. I'm friendly by nature. Perhaps by habit. Or is that the same? I'm friendlier in the sense that I give everyone a chance to be my friend. The doors are always open to strangers. You can sit here, read this, and possibly somehow ask me for contact information and I'll talk to you. The only reason why I'd stop talking to you is if you seriously fuck up. Even the people who get on my nerves, I still talk to them.

There are chances. I give out tons of chances because I believe people can change. But it is up to the other person to make up their mind on whether or not they want to be my friend. The things you say and do.. how you treat others.. how you act.. it all accounts for our friendship and how close I will get to you.

I only distance people when they deem unnecessary in my life - people who love drama, people who talk shit, people who are 2 faced.. After talking to a person for a few times I can easily tell when someone isn't genuine. And I do not want that in my life. The negativity is out.

That being said if you can't see me mobile status on your buddy list, it's because I've deleted you off mine. I do not want to talk to you, have a nice rest of your life. It was not that great knowing you.

Good day,
Stephanie

Oh yelloooowww

2011-06-05T22:51:00.000-05:00

Long Distance Relationships
Scoff, roll your eyes, point and laugh but I don't see why you think you can judge couples in long distance relationships if you've never been in one before.

Even if you HAVE been in a long distance relationship before.. and it didn't work out for you.. don't be a little bitter bitch about it and try to ruin someone else's happiness. Everyone is different- something that may not work for you, may work for someone else.

Imo, anyone who looks down on me for being in a long distance relationship is

Not a good friend of mine - because they never took time out to try to understand
Just jealous they haven't found happiness with another person
An idiot.

This world is a cup and it's filled to the brim with negative people. People who put others down. People who are too busy living MY life instead of theirs.

Lately, I've cut a lot of relationship ties.. and I feel like it's done a lot of good for me.. I'm much happier with life.. David.. everything. Tomorrow will be our 4 months. :) Time flies so fast and I feel very happy with him. Hopefully this will break the crap spell I've been having with relationships. :3 If not, you'll find me crying in a corner and single for maybe another 2 years.

Just kidding.

Lots of love,

Stephanie

ps - I swear if the Mavs don't win the finals I might /wrist

lols

Cheers to the drama queens and negative fools

2011-06-04T15:50:00.000-05:00

I raise my glass of water to you all for wasting my time. I'm sorry that your life isn't exciting enough for you that you have to snoop around for rumors and shit to talk about behind other peoples' backs. Instead of worrying about your life and how to make yourselves better people, you worry about others.

That's just fucking great, now get out of my life.

Maybe in our next lives you'll be different and we can be friends, but not in this lifetime.

On a sweeter note, it is June! I can't wait for summer classes to start!

Love, Stephanie

"With emotional content, not anger!" - Bruce Lee

2011-05-31T09:59:00.000-05:00

I often find myself putting my defenses up and getting agitated too quickly. This is a flaw in my personality that I intend to mend soon.. today soon. Actually, it's a movement. A period in which I intend to become a better person by not becoming angry.

Anger is poisonous. It radiates through my body and blurs my train of thought. I need to let it go, like everything else in life that is a bad influence in my life...

ahh

Anyways -
Things to do this week - 2 job interviews, food tasting, Suni's birthday party, cut ties with people who are bad influences on me, APAEC stuff, and clean up my room.. and keep it clean.

Another Bruce Lee quote I found to be great

“Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them.”

Finding myself,
Stephanie

Who cares about your past?

2011-05-27T09:08:00.000-05:00

I hate people who learn about my past and then use that to judge me. People do change, sometimes for the worst and sometimes for the better.

When I talk to someone, there's no point in pointing out their past, I'd rather learn about the present day them. What have they done today? What are their plans for the future, today?

Of course if you talk to someone who doesn't like me, they're going to point out all of my flaws. "Stephanie only talks to guys. Stephanie is a player. Stephanie jumps from x to y to z.. to d." lol whatever the fuck they want to say, who cares? I am working on myself presently, trying to become a better person. I've come to amends with myself, I am me. I am not you. I am not your fantasy friend. I will not change to fit your mold better because you're an egocentric loser who thinks the world revolves around yourself. I will change to better myself, not to please you.

I will judge you based on what you do while we're friends. I don't care what others said about you before, I'll come to my own conclusions of what type of person you are. I've been lucky enough to be around friends who don't care about my past, but accept me for who I am right now.

Lots of love,
Stephanie

People who piss me off

2011-05-26T21:26:00.001-05:00

The Flaker - the person who says they can make it to x plans, but then at the last minute some random shit happens to pop up and they ditch you. Set your fucking priorities straight, if you don’t know if you can make it then don’t make the fucking plans. SHIT.
Obnoxiously loud people - yeah I can hear you, now shut the fuck up.
Know it alls that don’t really know it all - You are not impressing anyone by regurgitating random facts.. or acting like a stuck up brainy bitch.
The friend who can’t break up with their significant other but keeps complaining about them - YES, I know you hate 34234234 things about this person, why don’t you just break up with them already?! GET IT OVER WITH AND SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Shit talkers - they talk mad shit but then when they’re called out, they never man up to what they did. If you had the balls to say it - grow some fucking balls and admit to it, Pussy. If you can’t own up to it, DON’T TALK SHIT.
Fake friends - the friends who pretend they’re your friends, and then when they make new friends they talk shit about you.. but then always come back crawling to you for attention
Attention whores - I understand you did not get enough attention as a little kid, but contracting 23423 STDs and genital herpes is really not the way to go with this.
The Tailgater - I know you gotta take a shit, but damn ninja.. get the fuck off my tail. If I decide to brake out of the blue and you crash into me, expect your insurance to go up, and a medical bill from me. Plus I’ll fuck you up.
Guys that talk shit on girls who reject them - get over it and just come to accept you were never good enough for ME.
The Lonely Friend - the person who will rarely ever hang out with you or even keep in touch.. unless they’re really lonely cause all of their friends have their own shit to do and you become their last resort. Please, I’m nobody’s last resort.

Wash your mouth out with soap or shut the fuck up

2011-05-25T23:38:00.000-05:00

I have a fellow classmate who thinks it is impolite to use the words "gay" or "faggot" synonymously to "stupid."

I'll throw this out there before someone jumps on my ass about it - After much consideration and pondering.. stirring thoughts and what not.. I'd agree with them.

However, as much as I agree with this I also have to say that if you're going to be a stickler about those words because you're gay, then you should be considerate about the words you use as well. How can you be an asshole about certain words and then go around using the words "bitches" and "hoes" to describe girls?

Fuck your double standards.

You don't like it when others use the word "puto" because it means "faggot" in Spanish (supposedly, I haven't checked it up.. I just know puta means bitch") but you can call another girl, who you don't know, a bitch. Just because you're gay you expect to be treated differently than straight people? I've lost all respect for you.

If you can't follow your own standards, wash your mouth out with soap or shut the fuck up.

I've been checking out Tumblr for the past x months, if you can find me on there.. cool beans.. if you can't.. oh.. that's just too bad. I don't feel like mixing my Tumblr up with my Blogspot. The two don't mesh well together. When I'm on Tumblr, it feels like I've crossed the boundaries with people.. like before Tumblr I only knew their shells.. then after reading their Tumblr it's like I've penetrated them up their asshole.. and it's just uncomfortable.

The more I learn about someone through the things they "like", "Reblog" or even post onto Tumblr.. I don't know. It's the uncomfortable "I've become way too comfortable with this" line feeling... Like when you're with someone and you become really comfortable with that person... then you start losing motivation to keep up with yourself.. Yeah, this is how I feel about some people on Tumblr.

Anyways, I'm slowly drawing myself away from a lot of people I used to associate myself with.. In the end I'm doing this because it is ultimately good for me. If you value my friendship then you will respect me and my values and hope for the best for me.. and I in turn will do the same for you. I do not feel obliged to stick around people who are/will affect me negatively... or people who depend on me or others too much. I want to become a more independent, assertive, and strong individual. This means cutting off the weak ties that are holding me back.

Other than that slightly depressing part of my life, I've been very happy searching for jobs lately. :)

Loving life,
Stephanie

I don't need your negativity

2011-05-14T14:30:00.002-05:00

I hate being around people who are so negative.

Yeah we joke around, fling shit at one another to make each other laugh... But that's the momentary happiness that comes out of negativity. That one instance of negativity is nothing compared to the happiness and joy we get out of something that is pure and great. I do not need (want) to be around negative people in my life because they only bring me down. And to be honest.. they bring nothing to me in my life besides stress, unhappiness, and insecurities. Why would I want that in my life?

Negative people strive off others' failures because they themselves are failures to start with.

So as I sit here, not talking to you.. and sometimes pondering what I've done wrong.. I really do not feel any regret or remorse that we aren't talking. There's a reason why things happen.. and I'd say this is for the best. I want to become a better person. A better.. nicer.. more loving person. I cannot do that with you by my side, because you bring out my demons. It's easy to be a negative person.. bring down other people. Hammer on their balls. Point out their weaknesses. It's harder to be a good person.. patient and accepting.

I hope over this summer I can work on myself as a person. Become better. Find the good in people.. and only surround myself among those who are good for me.

From a good friend I want someone who is honest and respectful. Honesty is important in friendship - Don't kiss my ass and say it's okay to do something bad when it's really not. Grow some balls and tell me when I'm doing something wrong. I hate it when people go with the flow. Why do you go with the flow if it's wrong?! Seriously! Also, there are ways of getting your thoughts through someone without disrespecting them. That is one of my pet peeves.. when someone says something on their mind and they're rude as fuck. Did your mother not teach you any manners? Ah, I'm sorry, I suppose America that's not one of the things parents' teach their children since I see kids calling their parents by their first names nowadays.

Whenever someone acts like a bitch and gets called out on it they always run to the excuse that they're just being honest.

Sometimes the way you phrase things, whether honest or not, makes you a bitch. If you've been called a bitch before, you should rethink the way you say things. Think about it. I find it ridiculous that some people do not see how they act is unacceptable. If you're making up excuses for yourself, what you did is obviously not right.

I am at times crude and harsh with my judgment but I have become more laid back since switching schools and surrounding myself around nicer people. I have changed.. but maybe not enough just yet. I can say I've become a slightly better of a person, but there is always room for improvement. Hopefully, soon, I'll be able to call myself a good person. That I have bettered myself so much there's no more room for bettering. Far fetched dream, yeah, but at least I have a goal in mind.

This is just the beginning of my transformation.

Lots of love,

Stephanie

When can you say you're a good person?

2011-05-13T19:43:00.001-05:00

Lately I've been doing a lot of soul searching.
My list of questions that I ask myself

Is your friendship worth it?
Do I deserve this treatment?
What are your motives?

I have been really confused lately about what true friendship is. Is this temporary status of a goody goody buddy with another person worth all of the stress and annoyance? Do I deserve to be treated so? I wanted so badly to convince myself that it was worth it, that everything I go through has a reason.. and something good will happen eventually.. eventually because I am a good person.

Then today I had an unexpected reminder that I used to be a bad person. How can I call myself a good person when I have done so much wrong to others? Will I always be haunted by my immature past that I will never be able to humbly and honestly say I am a good person?

I really want to say that what's done in the past is done with. Mistakes were made - life has to go on - we can always start anew. Make ourselves better.. and overlook the past. But can we really? Even I, in certain circumstances, cannot overlook someone's past. I am shallow. I am vain. I am immature. So why would someone overlook my past?

So will I always be the bad person? Or should I surround myself around new people who don't know anything about the shit I've done in the past? I don't want to be labeled as a bad person for the rest of my life...

I'm really irked by this now .. and today is the start to my summer but I'm drowning in guilt.

sigh

Lots of love,

Stephanie

About me

2011-05-11T21:16:00.000-05:00

I updated this on my Facebook to

Does anyone read this?
Probably not, but I'll fill it up with something meaningful instead of "I love butts!" which I do.. but that's besides the case.

I love to eat. I love that I love to eat. Does that make sense? I like to see things from a very positive perspective, why be negative when it only hurts you? Although I am optimistic, I am a realist. Sometimes those two traits do not go hand in hand, some people are very optimistic and have their heads fucked in the clouds or very pessimistic and annoying. I am shy in person when you first meet me, but I grow comfortable to my surroundings very quickly. The environment is never awkward unless either of us make it awkward.

In my free time I enjoy playing games - I'll leave the types of games to your imagination. I do not party, mostly because I can't stand loud music and overly crowded rooms with sweaty people and I like sleeping early but also partly because I have a curfew. (oh well)

My goal in life is to find happiness and make myself and my parents proud of me.

And I wish I could say I am a good person.. but as I am not perfect and I do have flaws.. I sadly cannot say that. This is a work in progress :)

"Don't fuck with me because I'll fuck you back harder."

2011-05-10T14:47:00.000-05:00

I wonder if this says enough about me...

I may be nice, but my patience has limits.

This week

2011-05-09T11:43:00.002-05:00

IS FINALS WEEKK
WOOOOOOOOOO
that means
school's just almost over
summer's around the corner.. peeping its head out
LSATS YAYAYAYAY

sigh
i'll update more MORE!!
when finals are over :3

Are you by my side to see me fail?

2011-04-25T18:50:00.000-05:00

In some situations when something goes on behind your back and a friend finds the dirt.. then tells you.. do you ever ask yourself, "Is this person telling me because they care? Or are they telling me because they want to see me fail?"

There's a thin line for both questions
Scenario A - person could be telling me this because they care
Scenario B - person is telling me because they care but because they care they want to see this relationship fail because it's awful.
Scenario C - would be the person is telling me because they like me to see me fail..

So do you really care? Or are you along the ride to watch me fail?

My black tights

2011-04-19T11:25:00.001-05:00

your eyes wander up and down my body as I walk closer
rain beats down on my face
clothes clings to my body
hair askew
messy
Mysterious
you see everything
black tights conceal what you want
my arms my torso my back my everything
what is there
Mystery
my black tights
rip it
rip it all off
Rage
Cry
Love

I have a lot to say

2011-04-18T23:25:00.003-05:00

and I have no shame.
Judge me all you want - I don't give a fuck, suck my left nut.

1. If you value my friendship and company you will admit to your mistakes.

Knowing that you made a mistake is the first step towards making a change in yourself as a person - and hopefully you change for the good. No one wants to change for the worst, but people do like taking the easy route out of tough situations.

Second step to bettering yourself is actually changing and NOT making the same mistake again.

Feeling remorse for what you did is the final step. I don't give a fuck if you apologized for your mistakes and haven't made the same mistake again... if you don't feel bad for the people you've hurt on your journey then you haven't changed for the better.

2. There is no such thing as the HUMANITIES when it comes to war.

My head almost burst when someone told me that fighting for the war prisoners in X country was the humane thing to do. Um excuse me, we're Americans, we have NO right to talk about the "humane thing" to do. Come on now. With all of the shit that we've done in the past and present WHAT RIGHT DO WE HAVE TO EVEN USE THE WORD HUMANITIES.

At times I love my country, but most of the time I hate it here. All of the bullshit that I learn about in school and from the news makes me sick. And here comes skipping along a little optimistic dumbfuck who thinks they can say whatever the fuck they want.

Yo, you hear one side of the story - or no story at all - and you make up your own? Stop boiling on your fire because you're spewing stupidity all over the place. This world is filled with enough dumbasses I don't need you poisoning more minds with whatever shit you're reading.

btw for all of the American patriots - what are you so patriotic about? Are you patriotic that America has the most shallow culture - culture that doesn't take any other culture into consideration except "pop" culture - which let's be honest - is a pile of shit. We sit here proud to be Americans but WHAT DOES BEING AN AMERICAN MEAN? We can fight for our country - but if we're women we're looked down on - if we're gay we're discharged - what are we fighting for? DEMOCRACY? What democracy? Our country is nothing more than an imperialist nation shitting ourselves with that fantasy of a perfect country.

Dream on.

3. Relationships

"My girlfriend is my last priority."
Well, why are you in a relationship to start with?

Your girlfriend is nothing more than a cuddling object for you to come home to. And to think you thought you had a chance with me! HAH, don't make me laugh. If you said I was your last priority, I'd kick your ass to the curb so fast you'd shit yourself. We aren't girlfriends to be the trophies you guys carry around and show off to your friends.

If you're in a relationship, the significant other should be on the top of your list of priorities. Period. End of conversation.

4. NO one gives a FLYING FUCK about your dumb Frat.
Let's be honest - it's filled with nobodies who can't make friends - so everyone paid to have friends.
How pathetic is that?

End rant.

It's safe to say - the person that has made me enraged enough to blog about this, is someone I've lost respect for and will never consider a friend ever again.

Ursula LeGuin

2011-04-12T21:53:00.000-05:00

"Love doesn't just sit there like a stone; it has to be made - like bread, remade all the time, made new."

My mind wanders too much when I have nothing to do - keep me busy.. it makes me feel better. When I have free time I think about all of the things that could've would've should've.. but then I fall back into reality and I don't have any of these things.

I know it's selfish to look for things that I don't have - and I should appreciate what I have in life. Which I do - I appreciate everything and everyone I have in my life. But.. a part of me wants more. This is one of my biggest flaws - once I get something good I quest for more.

Now I'm in a tough situation where I don't know if I should wait around and wait for things to become better or just leave and lay low for the good thing to come to me. I'm talking about my relationship. I have a problem of not knowing if I should accept my emotions as they are - I always ask myself over and over again, "Should I feel this way? Am I overreacting?" Because I'm afraid of stepping on toes. I'm afraid of coming off as an ass. Coming off as a prude. As a bitch.

Mind you, I know when I'm being a bitch and when I'm not. I just have to think things over and over to make sure everything is right. I know this takes away from my personality and drains me emotionally because I never get what I feel off my chest.

If things were easier - if only you could read my mind - and see what you're doing that hurts me - life would be easier. But I like it when things are difficult. I need to just grow some couple hundred thousand balls and admit what I'm feeling. I need to accept myself.

Confused,
Stephanie

"Friends"

2011-04-11T12:42:00.004-05:00

I find it absolutely disgusting when someone puts down their friend. Not because they're right but because they know their friend won't say anything back to them.

It's disgusting because in what world does anyone have any right to put another person down just because they can? Just because you can doesn't mean you do it. It's also disgusting that the other person doesn't say anything in return to stick up for themselves.

In this world you're the only person who can look out for yourself. Friends will only be there for you for so long - you are your best friend as well as your worst enemy.You are the only person who can take care of yourself.. also the only person who will care for yourself the most.

I used to be the friend everyone would step on from elementary - till the last 2 years of high school. I grew a back bone and stopped caring about what others thought of me.. I tried to please everyone, but that's an impossible mission. People will keep asking for more. I'll give you what I have - nothing more nothing less.

Most people who are extremely nice to others aren't genuinely nice anyways, from my point of view. The nice ones are the ones you have to look out for; they say what you want to hear but what they think and their motives behind their actions aren't always for the best of you. Sometimes the things you want in life aren't good for yourself and it's better to have a friend who will tell you that it's not good for you.. hurting you in the short run but the long term effects are good. I like to compare bad friends to drugs, they ease your pain but kill you.

Only cowards can't admit to their true feelings.

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
class

loving you,
Stephanie

It's not you, it's me

2011-03-28T12:45:00.001-05:00

I've lost the interest.
There's no more surprise...
I cannot even become aroused now.
It's not you.. it's all of the dumb people who like you. I would think that having someone that's highly desired would make me like you even more.. but it doesn't.

To be bluntly put, it turns me off.
You disgust me.

This feels like a relationship that's just slowly dying - let's cut ties now.
I'm going to find someone more intellectual... interesting.. great.
Greater than you.

Goodbye competitive Tetris 2007-2011.

Scrabble

2011-03-27T15:17:00.002-05:00

It has been awhile since I've found any joy in playing any type of game.. but a few weeks ago I found something that raped my interest.

Yes, Scrabble.

I get some sort of arousal from putting words together as I do pulling them apart and defining each portion. Yeah, I'm weird, but that's besides the point! Scrabble was like my porn and I was becoming addicted. I was addicted to scrabble.. who says that? Oh yeah, just me.

The first few times I played it, I had no strategy. My boyfriend said, "A player with no strategy plays better against a player with no strategy." Lol, sadly I do not find this true; I had no strategy and I still lost.

One of my teammates gave me a few pointers that I had found seriously hilarious because I was not planning on becoming a serious player. But I did want to win so I took those tips into consideration.. It's boring to lose every single match.. even if the games are close. I wanted to win. WANTED.

Perhaps it was selfish on my part for not wanting to lose.
Maybe it was out of good intentions I wanted make it more challenging to play against me.
Top it off with - I wanted to earn respect.

BLAH.
Oh I'm a little disappointed.

Do people expect me to not improve?

Hunger vs Laziness

2011-03-27T12:02:00.002-05:00

Here I am
Laying in bed
Too drunk off sleep to roll out
Annoyed and irritated to the level that I let it affect my sleep
I had a nightmare last night
Something about failing school
sigh
Pressure from parents
high expectations.. why are the expectations so high? Every time I don't meet them they're just disappointed. Shouldn't they lower them a tad? So when I go above and beyond they feel surprised and proud?
guh
Now I'm hungry, my stomach growls
Hunger comes out victorious
Here I come, Kitchen! In a quest to empty your fill and fill up my empty.
Love.

I don't need drugs, my dreams are frightening enough

2011-03-26T15:05:00.002-05:00

I feel as though the real world we live in is just a fantasy that we make up ourselves. It's like a Sims game gone wrong. At the end of the night when I close my eyes and my mind no longer has a guard up reality hits me. The thoughts that I keep locked up in my head, the things I want to do but cannot do.. because society does not find it acceptable.. I think about it. My dreams are my reality. When I'm awake I'm only Stephanie, when I close my eyes I am me.

There's no need to label me a name, a person, an entity. I am you. You're just too afraid to admit it.

All of our interactions with the people around us affect how things turn out. If I did this, you're going to do that. It feels like when I'm awake I'm just in a mold.. I'm following this mold not letting myself color outside of the line. I want to be perfect. I want to be accepted. I want to be liked. I want to be desired. I want to be loved.

When this mold is let out, how will people see me?

Reality is chaotic. People change so fast. They change because they want to be accepted. But why would anyone want to be accepted by a group of fuck ups who put themselves on a pedestal and demand better treatment when they have not contributed to society in any fucking way?
I am a mess.

Take me for who I am. All of me. Nothing more, nothing less.

If our lives were real.. the world would be more interesting.

Sometimes I wish I could hit the pause and rewind button
I would rewind back to when times more beautiful,
Life was simpler,
And people were real.

Deep in thought,
Stephanie

2011-03-24T10:36:00.002-05:00

“If a girl understands your bullshit, sticks through your mistakes, smiles even when you’ve done nothing for her, it’s obvious she’s a keeper. But it’s also obvious you don’t deserve her.”

Exhausted with people

2011-03-23T01:48:00.001-05:00

The other day I was strolling around campus with a friend and we passed a table where some people were asking for people to sign their petition. They had written up a petition to ask X government to free protesters from prison.. they were thrown into jail for talking about what was going on in Libya. Or at least that's what the people were saying.

"Why are they worrying about other country's problems? We have enough of our own problems here." I asked my friend annoyed.

They replied annoying, "It's the humane thing to do."

It felt like someone had started a fire under my ass, I wanted to jump on that reply. Well, I did, but they didn't know much about politics.. or history.. so I felt like I got nowhere.

While I do not support what many countries do to their people - I do not think it's any of OUR business to shove our idea of "democracy" and "freedom" down their throats. If a group of people want to do it, they will. It might take them some time, but when it happens it will be beautiful.

Let me state this before I go any further - I am not anti- American. I know I'm better off than many other people in other countries - but at the same time I REALIZE the problems and dirty laundry this country has. Many other people are either ignorant or just in denial. No, ignorance is not a bliss when it has to do with the country you live in. You should be aware so you can make a decision without looking stupid.

We have our own problems in America, why are we worrying about other countries and their business? Just because you focus on another country's problems to distract yourself from your own problem.. that doesn't make your problem go away.

Things we need to focus on right now -
- Ridiculous health insurance prices
- Environment problems/preserving the environment
- BP oil spill - oh yeah NO ONE talks about that anymore. BP doesn't want to pay their settlements now
- Government spending
- National debt
- Gun control on schools

etc etc
there are so many problems within our own country - why are we going around talking to other countries like we're perfect saints?

You want to talk about HUMANITIES? Let's talk about how America fucked up Mexico. How America fucked up South America. How America fucked up the Vietnamese. How America fucked up the Iraqis. You want to talk about HUMANITIES? Google up all of the shit they did to these people during times of wars. Humanities my ass. Even when we're not in war there are so many fucked up things that go on in this country that people don't talk about all the time until some journalist reports it.

Humanities. Please.

I'm so exhausted with these super patriotic Americans who think our country is PERFECT. Perfection doesn't exist within a government - there are things that can always change.. for the better. For the people.

"People should not be scared of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people." - V - V for Vendetta

Feel free to discuss,
Stephanie

BURNNN

2011-03-22T11:12:00.000-05:00

Look for the songs. Search through albums. Artists. Genres. Ratings.
"Found it!" feels like a light bulb just broke in my head, man.
Arrange. Arrange this list. Make sure everything is in order.
5:00 free?
Must not waste space. "Ahh... GD and TOP have a new album out.."
Buy album online.. "Hm... 2 minutes left? ng..uhh.... oh wait! Intro song is exactly 2 minutes."

"BURN MOTHER FUCKER!!"

Today's quest - Make an awesome CD - Success!

Little things amuse me. Like my reactions. D:

Love,
Stephanie

Why do I look back?

2011-03-22T10:14:00.000-05:00

I have to say my biggest flaw is always looking back into the past and regretting every single guy I have dated or been with. I always say my biggest mistake is putting myself into a serious relationship for 2 years because I... well it doesn't matter now.

What was done was done I should move on.

Key word - should

Things are easier said than done, I feel like I've carried all of my regrets from the past on my back and in turn it's made it almost impossible for me to have a normal relationship because I don't trust people.

My goal right now is to put my shield down. Open myself up - metaphorically - start trusting people a little - and STOP regretting about the past. Regretting it now won't change the past.

What we once were, will not make up for what you have become.

On a less serious and depressing note - I made an A on my French History midterm XD I'M SO HAPPY!!! :3 The TA wrote:

You made grading easy! A+

MWUAHAHAH

I'm a mother fucking rockstar!
LOVE IT

I'm going to get back onto track with my blog now :) I've been sad about a few things lately.. but my boyfriend always cheers me up. Thank you David Hermosa, you make me feel like a fluffy gay cloud.

Loving life,
Stephanie

I love you tonight, tomorrow no more

2011-03-16T21:24:00.000-05:00

I've come to realization that I have a terribly trite personality. To me a lot of things are black and white - it is either right or wrong. There are no ifs, ands, or buts. Butts. (jk) Sitting here on my bed with my back hurting from working out too hard, slow cooking in my own salty sweat, I ponder if this reality is actually reality or is it all a dream. Does that sound deliciously scrumptious?

I'm glad that people are difficult to figure out, it makes my life that so much more entertaining. The ones that are too easy for me to read, I want to just dump them on the side - I'm boring enough! I don't need an extra side of boring tagging along to drag me down the hole of mundaneness. I feel like I'm grabbing on the edges of that hole and trying to climb out. My life needs a splash of excitement. Forever and always.

enjoying life,
Stephanie

Pray for Japan

2011-03-11T03:07:00.001-06:00

Time to start anew

2011-03-07T07:04:00.003-06:00

The last few days have been pretty stressful for me, but it's ok, I have decided that it's time to move on from the people who are making my life stressful. People who try to bring me down really need to look at themselves first before passing judgement on me. -shrugs- I'm not perfect, but neither are you. Although you see me, talk to me, hear things about me, and talk about me - you have no idea what my life is like. I let you see what you get to see. So instead of talking about my life, worry about your own.

This week will be filled with amazing greatness. I have two history midterms - one is a take home essay and the other is so huge that it takes up 2 days. HORRAY joy joy.

Sometimes I feel as though the people who stick by my side and agree with everything I say, are really the people I should look out for. They drink up my words too quickly and easily. Do you believe me? Or am I such a great talker that you take it for what it is? I want to hear your opinions and outlooks on things - don't just agree with everything I tell you. It kind of defeats the purpose of a discussion if there's only MY perspective on the table.

For the people who have been by my side - helped me out - gave me advice and insight and whatnot.. I want to say thank you. You guys are the reason why I wake up every morning with a little bit of hope in my heart.

Loving life again,
Stephanie

Posts to come - America is fucked up.
lol

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

2011-03-02T10:44:00.002-06:00

TO ME, motherFUCKERS!! :)

You see me through your eyes. But I let you see what I want you to see.

March

2011-03-01T09:38:00.000-06:00

Preparing myself for the tears.
Tears of joy.

"Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much." - Oscar Wilde

:) Intereesstttinnggggg.

Fake vs Nice

2011-02-28T00:00:00.002-06:00

There's a difference

A person can be fake but that doesn't make them nice. I'd rather have someone that's honest with me, no matter how painfully honest they are, and I'd consider them nicer than the person that's lying to my face just to have me like them.

What are you? Some weak shit who can't say what they stand up for? lol
Man up.

2011-02-27T19:32:00.002-06:00

"You have killed my love. You used to stir my imagination. Now you don't even stir my curiosity. You simply produce no effect. I loved you because you were marvellous, because you had genius and intellect, because you realised the dreams of great poets and gave shape and substance to the shadows of art. You have thrown it all away. You are shallow and stupid." - Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

This is how I usually feel about people in general after awhile.
Surprise me, sweetheart.

Forgive and Forget

2011-02-27T11:10:00.000-06:00

I am a pushover.
You can step all over me if you want.. a few hundred several many plentiful times. Sure. Go ahead and use me as your welcome mat. Stomp all over my pride... I am a pushover.

Try this least a few hundred times and I will become tired of you. Where's the surprise? Give me something to look forward to.. I can read you like a book and you don't even know it. How pathetic.

I do not forgive and forget. It's more like hold the grudge for life and remember every small miniscular detail to your big fuck up.

Fuck up once, try and try again until you fuck up so badly I cannot overlook it.

A few people know what I'm talking about.
Give me a reason to forgive and forget.

A good one please.

2011-02-24T13:59:00.000-06:00

All I wanted was to sing to God. He gave me that longing... and then made me mute. Why? Tell me that. If He didn't want me to praise him with music, why implant the desire? Like a lust in my body! And then deny me the talent? - Salieri - Amadeus

Mmm talent

More Amadeus raving

2011-02-22T17:08:00.000-06:00

"From now on we are enemies, You and I. Because You choose for Your instrument a boastful, lustful, smutty, infantile boy and give me for reward only the ability to recognize the incarnation. Because You are unjust, unfair, unkind, I will block You, I swear it. I will hinder and harm Your creature on earth as far as I am able." - Salieri

The more I watch Amadeus, the more I love Mozart. I'm in love with his vulgarity, sluttiness, confidence, and raw talent. My love for him is out of pure admiration - I wish I could be as good of a pianist as him.. as creative and simple of a composer as he. I'm not even composer. =/ It makes me sad. Years and years of studying music and what have I become? Nothing more than just a mere pathetic imitation of what Mozart was when he was 10.

blaghhh

admiration

skill

COME TO MEEE

What are dreams made of?

2011-02-20T09:33:00.000-06:00

Last night I had an interesting dream that has been questioning what are dreams made of?
Where do they come from?

I feel as though I've been violated by my own conscious. The pieces aren't coming together as I want them to. Last night was more of a nightmare than a dream.

as;dlfj;sldj;f I'm so confused.

You are the one

2011-02-17T22:57:00.000-06:00

who sees the world from only one point of view - Yours.
You are so caught up in your own world - I really think you haven't grown out of the pre-operational stage - and and people grow out of that after 6-7 years old.

You're so fucking stubborn that your world isn't even interesting to poke at. It's like looking at a book with one word in it repeated.. over and over and over again. And I'm reading this book over and over again just staring at this one fucking word till my head wants to fucking blow.

You can try.

You can try to look smart, talk smart, BE SMART. But you are who you are, dumb.
You can comb through your brain. Whatever the fuck is there.
Do you even have a brain?

The world isn't flat. It's not a plane. It has ridges, valleys, tunnels, etc etc. It isn't meant for you to figure out so easily. I'm surprised that even though you have lived longer, there isn't an ounce of wisdom inside of you that isn't led by your dick. Yo dick isn't going to save you from people like me. Not that people like me would waste my time on you anyways. You should be thankful that I'm taking my time out to write about my annoyance over your existence.

A lot of people are stupid. Leading that list is you and your stupidly shallow insignificant mind that thinks its the only one that exists in this world.

Loving life,
Stephanie

:)

2011-02-17T21:22:00.000-06:00

I can't wait for that day to find the guy who will love me for everything I am, have, and lack.

I literally yearn for that day.

That other side

2011-02-16T18:20:00.002-06:00

Everybody has that other side.
The side that's asleep deep down inside.
It's the side that we don't let anyone else see because we want to look cool, friendly, awesome, approachable.. sociable.. acceptable.

My other side, says hello to you.

I think I've been taking some bitter pills lately or something, I'm much more frustrated and easily agitated than usual. My other side is coming out. There's no one to hold me back from swearing, yelling, beating my fists, and knocking people over. I don't need to make sense to anybody, except myself. It's not ME being conceited, it's me not caring what you think about me. Who are you to me? Who are you to me to question what I do, why I do what I do, and why I think what I do is right? WHO ARE YOU????

If you have to ask me, if you have to try to pry the answers out of me, maybe you don't deserve to know. This is my life and I do things the way I want to do them. I'll take the repercussions and learn from my own mistakes. But I don't need to reason with anybody else except MYSELF.

A significant other told me that my blogging makes me look like a bitch.

Explain bitch. To my knowledge, a bitch is a female dog. Does my writing make me look like a female dog? I kidd. However if you think my writing makes me look mean and unapproachable you aren't even seeing 1/10 of who I can become. Maybe it looks like I'm a bitch cause I write what you want to say but don't have the guts to.

A part of me wants to make you sit here, read this, and cry a little. Cry because I cannot cry for myself. I don't want you to sit in my seat, walk a few miles in my life and tell me:

How the fuck do you like living my life?

Loving life,
Stephanie

Happy Vagina Day ~ :)

2011-02-14T22:06:00.000-06:00

Last Friday I attended Vagina Monologues. Why? The name caught my attention, and being the adventurous person I am, I decided to go. Over the 3 hours I listened to happy, funny, serious, sad, depressing, and wtf monologues and learned a few things.

1. We as a society do not talk about the vagina enough. And when we do we euphemize it way too much to the point where it's not like we're acknowledging that, yes, women have vaginas, but it's just like an item. Like extra baggage. Since women take it like that.. it makes it look like women are weak. Guys openly joke about their balls and dicks.. Girls are just like.. "let's buy a scented douche so our pussy smells like roses." I don't know where I'm going with this, and I'm hoping YOU as the reader do. Actually.. I do know where I'm going with this I just won't write it. :P I'm proud I have a vagina. I had to throw that in somewhere.

2. I laugh a lot when I'm in an awkward environment.
There was one monologue where the girl talked about the different ways women moaned.. and for most of the time I had my face covered trying to stifle my laughter. I don't know why I was trying to do that.. everyone else around me was laughing really hard.

3. There is a lot of ugly in this world that I need to acknowledge.. not just me but everyone in the world. Acknowledge that even though it happened long ago.. it wasn't right. Acknowledge and then grow from it.

Anyways Happy Val.. Vagina Day =) After attending that play I felt very empowered to have my own vagina. And in turn.. I ended up writing this.

Loving life,
Stephanie

- I make bad decisions when I don't get enough sleep and am under stress.. and don't eat. :(

2011-02-14T00:07:00.000-06:00

It's really sad that I've now come to a realization I'm terrible at comforting people.

I know what to say and at the same time I don't know what to say.

I want to be honest and truthful - honest and truthful doesn't mean I'll be nice about it.
But sometimes.. being a nice person is what that other person needs.

When push comes to shove should I be nice and lie? Or honest and hurt the other person?

I would like to be honest.. and I know being honest doesn't mean I'll be nice and I could hurt the other person. Is it worth it? If the other person isn't willing to hear the truth.. then what do I do? Just leave?
blahh

I wish life was a walk in the park easy. =( But it's not. I keep making mistakes and I just want make everything pause so I can just think about what I'm doing before I do it. Or I wish everyone lived life slowly.. and appreciated what was in front of them. Instead of living with the mindset of, "You only live once."

If I live once.. I want to live a long time. =(
No more dying young.

Save me from myself.

Vagina Monologues

2011-02-11T23:52:00.001-06:00

Was amazing.
I'll finish this tomorrow when I wake up.

Why would I explain myself to you

2011-02-10T11:14:00.003-06:00

People who want to talk behind my back can talk all they want. I'm not going to bother to explain myself to them or try to clear things up. If they wanted to know the truth they would have asked me themselves instead of running their mouths. It's pathetic that people spend so much time trying to figure me out when they should be worrying about their own lives.

It's just not worth my time and energy. The people who deserve to hear the truth will get it from me specifically.

:]

2011-02-10T00:01:00.000-06:00

2.06.2011

this is the beginning of something great.

i'm going crazy!

2011-02-09T18:13:00.000-06:00

it feels like my head's going to explode because i know what i want to say but i don't know how to word it. i don't want to say something wrong but at the same time i like speaking what's on my mind. most of the time speaking what's on my mind makes no sense at all and so i just stay quiet.
a;dslkjfa;lsdjf;alkjsdf
asd;lfkja;sldkjf
fuck
my
life

i do care.
i'm sorry =( i don't know how to express myself like you do.

Mozart vs Salieri

2011-02-09T12:07:00.000-06:00

Once I asked a friend if he saw his cup half empty or half full and he replied with, "What's in the cup first off?"

Most people would've answered, "It's half full.. " or "Half empty"

For a few seconds I was stumped by his answer, but it all clicked together. Of course, why hadn't I thought of that before? My stupid insignificant brain would have never thought of an answer so brilliant and inspirational. It was just brilliant. For a split second I saw the movie of Amadeus play through my head and I was Antonio Salieri, the mediocre composer, and he Mozart. Of course I'm writing this all out while listening to Beethoven's 5th Symphony, but it's still great. I love them both.

Anyways from his answer I realized my 2 biggest mistakes in life.

1. I'm always looking for the silver lining in everything. Sometimes there is just NO silver lining and I should take it as it is.. instead of becoming delusional with the answer I WANT to see.

2. Instead of worrying why x, y, z people don't like me, I should accept that there are others out there who like me for who I am. And the people who don't like me.. well they probably will never like me. But why does that matter at all? I don't talk to them, and they don't affect me.

#2 is my biggest fault and ultimately my downfall as a person. If I overcome this treacherous mountain, I will be great and amazing.. not that I'm not already. I'll become greater and MORE amazing. (amazing-er)

Today is a snow day it started snowing in the morning I think? I stayed up talking to Azim in hopes of catching sight of the first snowfall just so I would know school would close. Unfortunately the weather channel said it wouldn't snow till 7am. :( lol sad day. I stayed up doing homework because I was scared that school might open anyways. But now I'm free all day to read about Chicano history. Horray ~

I've mentioned this last year and I'll do it again now, Amadeus is a GREAT movie. You should watch it.

Loving life,
Stephanie

I want to die young

2011-02-09T00:29:00.000-06:00

I do not understand why people want to live for a long time. Do they fear death? But if you die when you're at your happiest isn't that the best time to go? Instead of bringing along with you sad depressing memories of the last moments of your life?

Why are people afraid of death?

Are they afraid that heaven doesn't exist and once they die their souls will be lost?

Do Christians even believe in souls? lol

Living with my grandparents for 6 years, I have seen them at their lowest and points that were just a tad higher than their lowest. It made me think about life and what it means.. what should my goals and priorities be? Should I live today because tomorrow may never come? Or should I live for the possible future that may be bright? Certainly I would not live in the past where I was filled to the brim with ignorance. I'm still filled with ignorance but hopefully a lot less. :)

My grandparents are immigrants from Asia.. they immigrated from China to Vietnam then eventually to the states. In their search for a better life they have suffered a lot, I'm sure my life today is much better than theirs back then even after they had money in America to support themselves comfortably. Was their suffering worth it? I still hear them talk about how they miss the simple life back in Asia. Everyone in the states is so rushed and work orientated they don't have time for family. I'm getting off topic - I feel like my grandparents are depending on pills to just live a few extra years. Although it doesn't seem like they're really enjoying life.. they're just going day by day by day. :( and it makes me sad.. just the thought of not being alive comfortably would make me feel sad for anyone. I would ideally want to die young, so I don't have to see anymore of the ugliness in the world.

It's not that I don't appreciate the life I have, I would just live it comfortably.. and when the time comes, when living just becomes too hard.. hopefully lightening will strike me or I'll die in my sleep. haha =(

Yeah I say this now.. I'll probably punch myself later on.

I do not believe in suicide or murder.
Just throwing that out there.

This was a boring post.
On a happy note..
He's mine!!! :)

❤ing life, and you
Stephanie

ps I'll try to post more often
I'm spilling over with ideas

2011-02-06T01:24:00.000-06:00

Let me be foul, soulful, loving, caring, hateful, greedy, selfish, spirited, intelligent, courageous, bold...
Let me free to be who I want to be.

Chinese New Year

2011-02-04T00:22:00.000-06:00

Cuss cuss cuss

2011-01-23T13:04:00.001-06:00

Facebook Stalking - My Way

2011-01-19T22:49:00.003-06:00

So today I was Facebook stalking, yes I have no life, and I found someone through someone’s page that looked JUST LIKE MY EX BOYFRIEND. My middle finger quickly slid on the touch pad and I redirected myself to this stranger’s page. The resemblance was frightening and I’m hoping that they’re both related to one another or I might not be able to restrain myself from pouncing onto the guy. I kidd.. I’m not desperate for a boyfriend. Although for some reason it’s come to my attention most of my ex boyfriends are Vietnamese with the exception of that stupid Korean guy I dated. Sorry, not all Korean guys are stupid.. at the same time not all of them are hot and caring and all that shitcrap you see on Korean dramas. Back to my story - I quickly made my own profile for him in my head - quickly checked off name, age, ethnicity, and oh my god.. currently LIVING IN.. aw crap 4 hours away from me. Page close - hope .. wait I never had any hope for him.

Ah great eye candy for 5 minutes.

Seee now if I can be that creepy in 5 minutes.. think about the other.. people >_< HAHAHA jkjk. OK I was very bored - I’m not creepy at all.

I think guys should be more anal about their privacy settings like girls. Mine’s locked down like .. uhhh … ……… -insert funny joke here-

I am Stephanie

2011-01-17T18:32:00.000-06:00

They look at me while I scurry enthusiastically to my next class. "Who is that little chick rushing to her next destination?" they wonder. My next destination is my everything. I don't want to stop to smell the roses or make friendly small conversation with people I will never see again. My next destination is everything. Drop the bags on the floor, butt into the seat, grab my pencil - pens - books - my everything - pay attention and don't distract me. I do not know you, don't talk to me, just let me take my notes and be on to my next class. Classes are through and my day has come to a halt - what is there to do now except go over my notes? My fingers hurt, ass is numb, eyes red from lack of rest, but if I wake up and socialize everything will fall apart. Don't message me about your day - I don't care - I just want the sun to set then rise again so I can go to school the next day and enjoy my life.
Love is the word I'm most scared of - what is it? Who should I love? When should I love? Why would I love? The IDEA of a relationship is nice - it makes me smile. I idealize the perfect guy for me - he's tall, in shape, nice, smart, has ambitions, treats me right, laughs at my stupid jokes, and talks to me when I'm feeling out of it. The SUBSTANCE of a relationship scares the shit out of me. I imagine myself chained down to one guy for the duration of that period together. What has he done for me to leave my identity and give it to him? Who is he to say we are together. We are certainly not together - I have just granted him the gift of my company - my awesome fucking company. Does he think he's the world to me? He is not - and in turn I hope I am not the world to him. I don't care - when the time is right - when I'm ready - when reason explains itself I'll get into a relationship that lasts longer than 1 month. Pft 1 month relationships. flings
Who is that person that thinks they know me? Bring them to me so I can punch them. You know nothing. You know shit. You know what I let you know - nothing more - nothing less - maybe a little less if you're a dunce. I'm like a book - except you don't even get to see my cover - you see my box. I'm in a box and everything you want to know is in a code.

Sigh end rant for the day. :3 I'm not depressed - just agitated. Time to sit here and read. My eyes hurt.

Oh hello 2011

2011-01-01T13:25:00.000-06:00

This year I expect -
All A's
Lose more weight
Be with the ones I love
Surround myself with good friends
Do not lose focus in life.

Love,
Stephanie

I do not like the month of December

2010-12-29T15:07:00.000-06:00

While everyone is happily celebrating the coming of December because of upcoming Winter Break and Christmas.. and New Years Eve.. and whatnot. It has to be my least favorite month. Ever. Seriously.

I hate sending out Christmas cards to people - especially to relatives. My mom usually pulls out her fat address book and writes useless messages to the relatives - how she wants them to prosper and be safe and have a great Christmas. But those feelings are not sincere - I mean I love my mom and she's one of the nicest people I know but there's no way she can be sincere to all of these relatives that we barely talk to. I always preach quality over quantity - if I can't fill up someone's card with sincere feelings or whatever I feel like it's a waste of my time and theirs.

December is also the month where people gain so much weight from all of the big dinners - constant snacking and what not. People feel too lazy to work out during this time because it's cold outside and they just want to stay indoors. People pull out their fat pants - sweats and then act like it's excusable to gain all of that weight just because it's the holidays. Well guess what hot shot - It's not cute.

And finally I hate this month because Christians are always talking about how Jesus was born on Christmas day. Jesus was born in the Spring time - just saying.

Ok that's all of my rant for now =) the month is coming to an end, THANK GOODNESS.

Loving life,
Stephanie

"You're a BITCH!"

2010-12-27T20:02:00.000-06:00

Nah, I'm just honest.

Why is it derogatory to call someone a bitch? Especially a girl?
All it means is female dog - if we break it up
Bitch = Female + Dog
Now is it bad to be a female?
And is it bad to be a dog?

Maybe being compared to an animal is "degrading" in its own sense because you are no longer human - if humans are that much greater than animals .. but wait humans are animals too aren't we? But then.. what's so bad about being a female?

I always wonder how curse words like bitch, bastard, fuck, shit, etc etc become "bad" and looked down upon in society. Did someone wake up one day and pass a decree.. "If you call a woman a bitch, I'm going to frown upon you!"

I don't know - entertain me with your comments :) I would love to learn.

Happy holidays!

2010-12-25T19:34:00.001-06:00

Happy holidays loves!
I'm going to get back to blogging now =)

I'll be back tomorrow with a nice blog.
Lots of love,
Stephanie

December

2010-12-20T01:07:00.000-06:00

I wonder if I've done enough for this semester.
Next semester - 2 History classes, 1 Math, and 1 Literature.
YAY I love you pre-law. =( I LOVE YOU SOOO

I miss that sweet guy who used to hug me as though we wouldn't see each other the next day.

Happy holidays,
Stephanie

Philosophy class

2010-12-04T18:37:00.001-06:00

"It is not to all our conduct toward the objective world that we thus respond. Where we are intensely preoccupied with the objective world, this accompanying awareness disappears. We have to recall the experience to become aware that we have been involved as selves, to produce the self consciousness which is a constituent part of a large part of our experience." (page 4) - The Social Self -George Mead

When does our impulsive self and righteous self actually take hold of our controls? Instead of hypothesizing that we do whatever is socially acceptable, maybe we do what is actually right.

My first perfect score! LOL interesting.

Why do we celebrate Thanksgiving?

2010-11-26T20:19:00.000-06:00

Is it a holiday created just to make us stuff ourselves fat like pigs? Or are we actually using this Thursday to celebrate what we appreciate in life? What do we appreciate in life? The everyday things we take for granted? And if we are thankful for all of those things/people/aspects then are we only thankful for them for that one day? A short duration of 24 hours? Hmmm??

Plus I thought the Puritans killed off the Native Americans with smallpox/syphilis infested blankets.. Hopefully we're not celebrating that genocide. =(

I am always thankful for all of the people I have in my life who have supported me throughout the years. Even those years where I've felt like I hit rock bottom. Thank you friends, teachers, lovers, admirers, inspirational figures... and people who make me jealous because they give me motivation to become better.

♥♥ - ing life twice as much,
Stephanie

2010-11-25T16:42:00.000-06:00

"You have killed my love. You used to stir my imagination. Now you don't even stir my curiosity. You simply produce no effect. I loved you because you were marvelous, because you had genius and intellect, because you realised the dreams of great poets and gave shape and substance to the shadows of art. You have thrown it all away. You are shallow and stupid."

- Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

One of my favorite quotes.

2010-11-20T10:50:00.000-06:00

Physical appearance

2010-11-16T13:54:00.000-06:00

If you can't take me for who I am, then I suggest you take a hike. We aren't in high school anymore, and I don't have to deal with this crap. This goes for every person out there, not just me. If you can't accept someone for who they are.. enjoy their personality enough to overlook their imperfections then maybe you should buy a mannequin and make out with that. Cause only a mannequin can be perfect, humans are never perfect.

I remember someone told me once, "You aren't pretty. You aren't pretty at all. Maybe you should put a bag over your head." This was in middle school when I had my massive underbite and was on a terrible roller coaster ride with my acne. I went home that day and didn't even know how to react. Was I supposed to cry? Curl up into fetal position? What? What did this person want me to do? Fix my appearance? For her? This time period was the lowest for me, because I had no self confidence.

Underbite x-ray

Fast forward a few years later, I finally get my underbite fixed through surgery with a 1 year healing period. Did I look prettier? Was I able to get the man of my dreams? My high school crush? Let's just say, I most definitely looked different. I'm not sure if I was prettier.. but I did have a boyfriend at the time but we ended up breaking up a few months later. Even my good looks couldn't save our relationship. Am I happy with my overall appearance though? I feel like I'll never be fully happy with myself until I look like model material in Asia.

I can pick at my imperfections. You on the other hand have no right to say anything. Who are YOU to judge me or anyone else on how we look? You nitpick at our looks and how does that change the world? Are you going to pay me to have my looks altered? Fixed? Will you love me more after I become prettier? And let's say I have these procedures done, why would I settle myself for someone like you?

Because now I am perfect, and you have imperfections.

Yeah sure there are days where I feel like I should be prettier. I feel a little sad knowing that I'm not the prettiest girl out there.. but at the same time I feel like my personality makes up for everything I lack. Actually beauty is really not something we lack.. but something we should find within ourselves. Exude confidence, feel beautiful.. and other people will think you are beautiful. Everyone has beauty. And all of us can find someone who will appreciate us for what we have instead of searching for things we don't have.

Oh and by the way, the girl that used to call me ugly, I found her facebook.. pft, I don't know why I used to listen to her.. I'm up here.. and she's down there. lolol jk I'm just going to walk away from this as the better person.

♥ing life,
Stephanie

2010-11-14T21:53:00.000-06:00

Stop taking us (your significant others) for granted.

One day it'll be over, and you'll regret it.

EPIC!

2010-11-11T15:30:00.000-06:00

"He likens conjoined lovers to saints; demands to be raped by God; speculates, after his wife's death, that God killed her because he was jealous of Donne's divided loyalty; imagines Christ encouraging his bride, the church, to open herself to as many men as possible."